Were you upset when you realized you didn't die?

Fanfiction

Fandom: Danganronpa V3

Character(s): (PreGame) Kokichi Ouma

!!Please do not read if you are affected by the topic of suicide!!

"Were you upset when you realized you didn't die?"

It was the first thing I heard after everything went black.

Usually they ask whether I would remember my name after I woke up in a distilled white room in the presence of a doctor, but apparently that didn't matter as much this time.

Looking back at the mean face asking me such an insensitive question, I assumed nothing would be of much importance to the guy, so I decided to stay silent. My throat hurt anyway so why bother answering.

But he had a good point there:

I really didn't die.

And yes, it bothered me a good amount.

And after all the trouble I went through with the most expensive razorblade they had at the store too! Guess you really can't trust anything these days.

Instead I was awake and felt overwhelmingly numb and weird. Like I almost managed to destroy this body but stubbornly decided to stay a little while. Considering all the machines and bags of blood and painkillers connected to me I guess that is exactly what happened.

And the worst part was yet to come.

There are a lot of stories about failed suicide attempts.

So many different stories about the preparation, the pain, ...

But the worst part, on that they all agreed, was returning from the dead.

The knowledge that someone found your body and got the biggest scare of their life. And after that they immediately jumped to action, being all responsible and shit, called the ambulance and saved your life.

And then they basically own you. They saved your fucking life after all, the very life you went through so much work to throw away.

But what’s even worse than that: They want to know WHY.

Why would you do that?

It wasn't my fault, was it?

Why didn't you come talk to me?

Why did I have to save you?

At that very moment I felt the anger swelling up in my entire body. The thought alone made me feel the burning anger in my brain and at the same time I also felt ashamed of myself. For hating someone so much because they gave a damn about me.

Now I was angry at myself, wasn't that just fantastic ...

Turns out they were right: Waking up from the dead really is the worst part.

A laughter demanded my attention, forcing me out of my self-pity.

"So tell me boy: Do you want to stay dead?"

I never thought those words would ever sound so appealing, my mind intentionally letting the morbid meaning of them escape.

"What if? You want to finish the job?"

"Most certainly not. But depending on how you manage, someone else might as well."

His words most certainly managed to confuse me, at least till I noticed the obnoxious pink logo on his white coat that meant nothing but menace to me and remembered me of my anger.

Of my damn anger towards this damn company responsible for this damn show with its damn idiots for a fanbase and all the damn merchandise they hoard all over the place like a damn teenage-girl of her damn boy group and their damn happy grin and enthusiasm for it and their god damned obsession that leads them to forget everything else, including their damn to hell stupid boyfriend who couldn't admit their damn differences and so he managed to build the entire damn relationship upon layers and layers of damn lies and successfully screwed it all up due to one damn slip up so the whole damn thing blew up in his damn face and all started because of this hell damned freaky gameshow and why the fuck would I think about this now of all times!

"I guess you already figured it out, did you. Maybe you're not as stupid as you look and maybe, just maybe, it might help you live just a little longer, or die faster, whatever your endgame might turn out to be. Now here is how it goes, you have two options to choose from:

1. You return to the living with all the responsibilities, explaining how you ended up in a bubblebath of your own blood with a quite impressive opening of the arteria radialis included, for the rest of your life mind you, cause that will most certainly leave a nasty scar and we won't bother about it if you choose to live.

2. You stay dead. And you don't have any explaining to do. Not ever. Even if, by some miracle, you end up winning this game. We'll take care of your arm, so it won't even leave a scar behind. You'll just lend us your body. We don't need your mind, so we'll just erase that. It will be like you're dead, just what you intended to achieve right? Only difference is your body will move for a little longer instead of decaying and stinking up the environment. New name, new memories therefore a new persona including a talent cause let's be honest you don't have one we could work with anyway."

It didn't feel like the most important decision of my life.

I guess once you decided to end it all nothing exactly matters anymore. No matter the consequences, it doesn't affect you - at all.

The realization formed a knot in my stomach and what little survival instinct I had left in my subconsciousness got me sick at how calm I seriously considered both options, tending to the second with delight.

Guess that is how I ended up giving my answer on autopilot and it felt like one of those moments - those turning points which you could already feel define your life in a way of no return. Those small actions you probably do every day, but on this day, in this moment, they form the story of your life.

Maybe I could take something good out of this.

Maybe it could make me a better person.

Maybe it could make me a person who has the courage to apologize for all the stupid things I've done or would do.

Maybe ... this could at least take away my damn habit of lying to the people closest to me.

I would like that.

"Well, when do we start?"